Barrel ahead
Archived 2024, if you don't see the the 2024 link in the top right. This is the most basic way I could think to do it. As I am still relatively new to L.A.M.P. development, it will be a bit of time before I care to figure out a more elegant way of doing it. Got other stuff going on. Decided RHCSA was more important than playing with this little site. I'm moving slow (with everything) and hope to have the RHCSA by the middle of the year. Got a couple huge projects going live at work at the end of Q1. Then it'll be bug fix hell. So many things have to change at the same time. This is going to be cirque du soleil tier juggling.
Addendum to the 15th
If you believe in fate, destiny or a guiding hand (I do), i'm left believing difficulties early on were preparing me for this loss. But was it for my own protection? Was it that I will go do something for others? It has strengthened me spiritually, no doubt. Was it to bring me closer to my God? It has done that, and I experienced joy and the beginnings of peace, but that answer doesn't feel correct.
Happy Birthday, Addie.
Today is my late wife, Ardelis' (Addie) birthday. She would have been 51.
It has been a rough couple of months with Christmas, New Years and now her birthday all running into each other. I'm doing okay for the most part. Things that I have experienced since her loss have made this a lot easier on me. I think back to my friend in Ohio and even though things didn't work out, she helped me realize there was indeed life after loss. Thank you, little bear.
I was asked a lot of questions by friends and family after she passed. Several people wondered if I was bitter about things. Sure there was some. I didn't ask to be a widower. It's a club I would never wish on anyone but you either move forward and grow, heal and learn to love and live again or you, well, go into a depressive version of self-preservation. You don't open yourself very much, you don't heal and you ruminate on the loss. I choose to heal.
I learned a lot about myself during all that and i'm still learning now. I was talking with someone recently and as the words were coming out, it was dawning on me. It went something like this:
"I work out, but it's not who I am. I hunt, I fish and i'm into tech but these are things I do, they are not me." I think back to the Buddha, paraphrased, who said, 'Your perception of me is not me.' That has stuck with me for a long time and it is the lens that I try to use to view everything and everyone lately.
At any rate, it was dawning on me, in that conversation, that I never knew who I was until the moment I stepped into the crucible with my wife. I came out as something else. I came out scarred and almost broken but it completed me in some weird way, like i'd been smelted into something I didn't know I was supposed to be. Maybe I needed to be a caregiver to bring me to life? To complete...something?
I had been dealt a pretty tough hand in childhood. Poor, abused, seen stuff I still think about but we survived in varying degrees. All of my siblings have some sort of trauma and have faced difficulties in life via bad choices potentially brought on by some of the stuff we endured. How I got out of that cycle is hard to understand though I had other influences in my life at the time that helped without a doubt.
Marriage was no different. Addie and I had our share of problems like any couple but we would not leave one another (got close once...funny story) and simply tried to love each other the best we knew how. The second hardest thing in our relationship was when we learned we couldn't have children. I wanted to be a dad so badly. I was sure I would shower my little girl (I wanted a girl) with so much love and adoration that we often never got. I'd never let what happened to me happen to any of my kids. But again, I am not bitter about this. It's just another hill we had to get over together.
So now I am climbing this new hill alone. It will be 8 months as of the 20th and I still miss her but it's getting easier. I shed a tear or two when I have to, because I learned that I have to let this out. I also learned that I need my own closure in things. I will try for a chapter 2 in life because I feel that I am at my best when I can give myself completely to someone. I can be alone but I choose not to be.
I love you, Ardelis. You will forever be with me and I will see you again.
Actually a three 'fer. another two 'fer.
1.) I'll be archiving 2024 when I feel like doing it. Just felt like typing today. Had to work a little both days even though I was off. Deadline for Thursday looming.
2.) First bit of tech talk in a while! I have been using OSMand+ and Organic Maps for a while now. They mostly fit the bill for just about everything I need to do but you need to program the route beforehand. However, because there are no street addresses, I got left in a bad spot looking for an address on a state highway after going to one place and then needing to go to another. In some instances, you can find businesses but it doesn't always work. I have long been an Open Source advocate, donating to multiple independent developers to help keep them going. I have no problem with it but some things just need to be addressed with greater urgency. This is a big deal. I got an egg in a tire coming back from Texas in May last year and I had no way to search for a tire shop nearby. Thankfully someone I was with had a nav app on their phone and we got somewhere pretty quickly. You figure i'd have learned a lesson then but didn't. Sure, I could have run a hotspot through my laptop, searched maps then plugged it into my phone but what sense does that make? This is part of the concerns I have when I consider going to an open source phone OS. What is going to work? What isn't? I do a lot of research but you won't catch everything and that could leave you in a bad spot.
3.) After that test image, which actually worked first time (though I guess I shouldn't be too proud since I do this stuff as part of my day job in .NET), I had some thoughts. Christmas morning was hectic, but in a good way. After all the holiday rush, I felt truly at peace the next day.
I had a fantastic Christmas with friends and family. I drove around, visiting everyone to hand out gifts, and joined a different group for a meal because my family wasn't gathering. It was wonderful; everyone was smiling, especially this little girl who just melts my heart. I even taught her a few dance twirls, which was amazing. The day was filled with good food, great company, and a real holiday spirit.
The morning after, despite not sleeping well due to a couple of drinks, I felt serene. I decided to take the day off work but still helped out remotely when needed. Later, I packed up and drove to Mississippi, singing along to my playlist the whole way. It was a good trip, reconnecting with some of my favorite people who are my Rankin County therapy.
Before some bad weather hit, I went hunting and surprisingly got my first deer ever! I hadn't hunted since I was younger, and after shooting a squirrel with a bow, I'd felt so bad that I swore off hunting. But it felt right this time, and now the meat is being turned into sausage back in Mississippi. It produced two good backstraps so, of course, my host got one.
The night before the weather turned, we were at the camp, playing games. I had a great talk with my niece, who's in college and doing fantastic things. We discussed life, love, and past breakups, with her mom chiming in. There was this moment where my niece leaned on me, and I stroked her hair while she looked at her phone. It was simple but so fulfilling, more than the thrill of finally getting a deer. It rejuvenated my soul, and I'd do anything for her and her brother; they're such a blessing in my life.
However, every high has its lows, and last night I felt really down. I talked to some friends online, but afterwards, I missed my recent companion, which really stung. I realized I can't keep bottling things up any longer.